For the inarticulate.

It’s all in the mind

So camp came and went and truth to be told, it wasn’t as intensive as I would have expected it to be. Heck, we had the energy to engage in no-rules contact rugby in the perilous carpeted Agora hall in between two training sessions. I can’t believe Faz actually joined us. Some of us picked up minor injuries, namely carpet burn, from that activity. (I rammed into the dividing wall. Like, splat.)

I’ve had my long day of rest and I have been reflecting upon myself since. No credit to the balls-y workshop, I’ve been reflecting on myself since secondary school. It may not always be positive but still, it’s reflection. So anyway, I found myself lacking in the confidence department. It was five-a-side and Faz was feeding balls from one of the flanks. I was playing on that flank and she would only give the ball to those who asked for it. So I did, but I kept losing the damned ball in every imaginable way. After coming through so far, I’m really not one to give up but just then, I really felt, “Don’t give the ball to me, I’ll only lose it.” Yeah, so I called less for the ball.

Looking back, I think, “Wow, what a loser.”

A loser to have given up on calling for the ball. I should have known better, really. Every ball given is a chance to shine. If I fuck up, I should just ask for another chance to make up for it. So I’ve learned my lesson. I’ll have to keep on trying when I fuck things up. (:

I liked the second workshop. I made myself look like such a geek just because I knew what my own injury was and what Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness was. I just read up on things that happen to me, that’s all. I’m really not that encyclopaedic. At best, I just know something about everything but not everything about something. Means that I do alright with general knowledge but not that good with details. I sought a definitive cure for my chronic but on-off injury from the Workshop Guy and all he recommended was stretches and massages. =/ Oookaaaay..

IMO. The first workshop was not really successful. All it did was provide an opportunity for underlying feelings to be expressed honestly. I did not buy into the whole hypnosis thing. I’m not saying the tears Fana shed were fake. But it was all based on instruction, if you tell a person to think real hard about the saddest moment of her life, obviously emotions will spill. This Workshop Guy (different from above) had the most annoying voice and chose the most annoying words to use. He was so obviously trying to tap on the guilt of those who were skeptical about the whole thing. He could have ignored those non-participative ones but no, he had to say something about some having a heart of stone and saying it’s okay if you don’t participate. Balls to you, manipulative hypno-man.

If you must know, I don’t think I have a heart of stone. It totally melted when so many of them started crying. I’m just good at keeping emotions in check. Irna says I keep things to myself, I know that, and upon some pondering I realise it is probably the reason why I won’t let my negative emotions spill that easy. When I think back, I feel bewildered now when I remember I cried when Arsenal played in the Champions League final in May last year. That bloody match made me cry tears of joy and sadness both. Of joy, when we took the lead after Lehmann got sent off (the bugger.), and of sadness when we lost it in the final 20 minutes. “They fought so valiantly!” I remember thinking.

Selections for Poly-ITE are underway and oh man, I know they are picking 22 but still.. can’t help feeling like a unworthy candidate, you know? Perhaps I need to display a flash of brilliance or something, yeah? Not only to convince Faz, but myself too. Convince myself I’m good enough. I have this quote I can’t quite remember where I got from, probably heard from the telly and paraphrased by me, it goes “Apart from practice, what’s important is the belief in yourself.” Well, I need to find that belief soon. (:

I’m sitting here in my oversized 2004-2005 Arsenal jersey with the white Umbro shorts that came with our Republic jersey. I feel so Arsenal! I’ll tuck the jersey into my shorts and pull on some red socks and I’m ready to play for Arsenal! =D

He scored again while I was away at camp! O Rosicky, what a face!

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